i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
she looked like the before picture.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
