Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
