what day is it and did you see me today?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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