My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
