More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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