Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
