You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
