i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
