i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Randomize
