apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
