I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
