Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
