You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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