Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
