I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Of course I have a pirate flag
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
