my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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