my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
