I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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