I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
