The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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