you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
