I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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