I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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