just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
