I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
