so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
and she was petting her beer can
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
