you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
