just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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