1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
