I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize