I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
