John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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