Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize