Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
