i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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