Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
