You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
