this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
