dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
