im holly from the hills drunk
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
They have beer where we have blood.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
