you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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