worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
