happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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