you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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