There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
