youre lurking in front of me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
