Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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