His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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