he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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