I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is it because I queefed?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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