I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
