brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
