Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
