We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Be still, my beating vagina.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
