not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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