You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Is it because I queefed?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I am one with the molecules
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
