tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
high people should be assigned attendants
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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