In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
