If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
