Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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