I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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