I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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