my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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