The maid of honor just puked.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
