We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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